Finding The One: Valentine’s Day and Relationship OCD
Valentine’s Day is a holiday that is meant to celebrate love in all forms. It is right around the corner and despite good intentions, Valentine’s Day can bring with it many conflicting feelings about the purpose of the holiday, the commodification of love through chocolates and roses, the onslaught of social media campaigns about self-love, and discussions about what true love can look like. Amidst all the complicated feelings, many of us choose to see the holiday as a silly, meaningless day, take our chocolates and leave the rest.
For individuals with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), it isn’t quite so simple. The ongoing discussion about relationships, love, finding “the one,” and healthy partnership can trigger endlessly looping obsessive thoughts about one’s own relationship or partner(s).
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD, or ROCD, is a common subtype of OCD that involves persistent rumination about one’s relationship and/or specific characteristics about one’s partner(s). ROCD can take on many different forms of obsession including:
Fears about the relationship: Is this person the one? Are they right for me?
Fears about love: Do they really love me? Do I really love them? How do I know for certain that this is what love is meant to feel like?
Fixation on fidelity: Did they just look at someone else in a romantic way? What if they’re cheating on me? Do they dream about being with someone else?
Fixation on past relationships: Did they love their previous partner more than me? Do they wish I had X characteristic this previous partner had? Do they seem as happy with me as they did with them?
Fixation on physical features: I can’t stand their nose, eyes, laugh, etc. Why does their face look like that?
Fixation on characteristics: Are they social enough? They don’t have what it takes to be ready for long-term partnership. They aren’t intelligent enough.
It is only natural that being in a relationship may bring up some concerns and worries. Some of these thoughts may even seem familiar to individuals who do not have OCD. We all naturally get curious about our partner’s past relationships, fear what the future may hold, and want to make sure we are choosing a partner that fits our life and values. However, the difference between occasional thoughts about your relationship/partner and ROCD is that those with ROCD find these thoughts to be persistent, repetitive, and distressing. Even when faced with reassurance from their partner or evidence to invalidate their obsessive thought, the thought persists and may even get louder.
Characteristics of Relationship OCD
People with ROCD often engage in compulsions in an attempt to gain certainty and ease the intensity of the obsessive thoughts. This is also a key difference between natural relationship concerns and distressing OCD symptoms. Some of those compulsions may include:
Reassurance seeking from their partner or others: Do you actually love me? Are you lying? Do you think the way they look at me proves they love me?
Checking their own feelings/thoughts: Did I get butterflies in that moment? Do I have doubts? Am I attracted to someone else?
Testing their partner: Is their reaction one that I would want from a partner? Are they smart enough? Did they respond a certain way to this attractive person?
Recalling positive/good moments: Did I love them in that moment? If this is how it was forever, would I want that?
Comparing their relationship to others or ones in the media: Do they look at me like our friends look at each other in their marriage? Does our love look like this influencer’s love story?
Doing research: Reading articles about how to know if they are “the one,” research on what it feels like to be in love
ROCD, like other OCD subtypes, can create intense levels of distress and disruption in one’s life, and for some can lead to the end of relationships.
To be clear, this is very different from occasional relationship questions and from the evaluation of a relationship that may be unhealthy or abusive. It is important to be able to be curious, ask questions, and explore complicated emotions with one’s partner. However, if this becomes distressing and disruptive to one’s relationship or ability to function, it may be time to seek support from a therapist specializing in the treatment of OCD.
Relationship OCD Treatment Options
OCD treatment should be specific to each individual’s experience and be completed with a therapist specializing in the treatment of OCD. As we’ve discussed in other blog posts, there are many modalities that may be helpful in the treatment of OCD depending on the individual including Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
ERP is considered to be the gold standard for OCD treatment and can be effectively incorporated into ROCD work. This may look like sitting with obsessive thoughts about one’s relationship without engaging in compulsive behaviors such as researching, reassurance seeking, or mental checking. Instead of a compulsion, an OCD specialist would encourage someone with ROCD to engage in a values-aligned activity such as spending quality time with their partner, engaging in a hobby, or utilizing self-care practices to ground into the self.
ACT can also be powerful in combination with ERP to identify one’s true values and find ways to live in alignment with those values. Is questioning your partner in line with your values? Is spending so much time worrying about the relationship instead of being in it in line with your values? What would it feel like to be present in this moment with your values and your partner rather than being focused on their past relationships? These are just some examples of questions an OCD-specialized therapist utilizing ACT may encourage you to explore.
Gentle Reminders for Valentine’s Day
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, it is important for all of us, not just those with ROCD, to continue challenging and exploring societal pressures around love and partnership. Many OCD professionals believe social media and increased pressures around finding “the one” or the “perfect life partner” are linked to an uptick in ROCD.
There have long been societal pressures around marriage including timelines, attraction, finances, heteronormativity, and having children. Social media and the readily accessible “couple goals” available to compare ourselves to have only increased and intensified these pressures.
Social media can often display unrealistic expectations and reinforce the idea that relationships are only worthy when they are “perfect.” But what is perfect? Does that even exist in a healthy, balanced partnership? And, if we are constantly striving for perfection, are we truly able to be present and enjoy the partner we have in front of us?
In addition to unrealistic expectations of perfection, we may even need to challenge our unrealistic expectations of “the one.” Could there really only be ONE person out there who checks all of our boxes and will do so forever and ever?
For some of us, the idea of “the one” may actually be more appealing than having “the one” because the implication of “the one” is that we can have absolute certainty about the trajectory of our lives. Perhaps certainty is what we seek more so than even true partnership or love. Perhaps, we feel like if there is only ONE person that is perfect for me, then maybe once I find that person everything will be perfect too.
And we aren’t wrong for wanting that - if given the opportunity, who wouldn’t pick a smooth-sailing life of certainty and peace? However, the reality of life is that it will not always be smooth sailing and peaceful, even with the right partner for us. Life will naturally have its ups and downs, and perhaps the true question is not how do I find the one to protect me from ever having to feel those ups and downs, but how do I find a partner or partners that will stick by me and weather those storms?
So this Valentine’s Day, I invite all of you to get curious with yourself and the expectations you may have surrounding love, partnership, and yourself. Where do these expectations come from? Do these expectations align with my values and view of life? How much time and energy am I devoting to these thoughts? And, perhaps most importantly, what would it look like to trust in MYSELF to be the one who will always show up and support me in all the ups and downs life has to offer?
References/Resources
Doron, G., & Derby, D. (2023a, April 20). Relationship OCD. International OCD Foundation. https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/
Lejeune, C. (2023). “Relationship OCD” and “Sexual Orientation OCD.” In “Pure O” OCD: Letting Go of Obsessive Thoughts with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (pp. 43–45). essay, New Harbinger Publications.
Montazeri, T. (Host). (2025, February 6). A deep dive into Relationship OCD with Sheva Rajaee [Audio podcast]. Retrieved from https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/269-a-deep-dive-into-relationship-ocd-with-sheva/id1440223708?i=1000689573744.